I was hurtling through Duty Free on Saturday on my way to the Eurovision Song Contest, we celebs just had to be there for the after party- wasn't Jamala brave to sing her winning Ukraine entry ?!!
Anyway I was just glancing at the Daily Telegraph and there was Uncle Larry ,in the buff, lying prostrate in the back of a Hyundai i20, dressed only in a large pair of sunglasses.
I wouldn't mind but by rights that little job should have been mine, and if I hadn't got a schedule backed up to Christmas it would have been yours truly stretched across your breakfast table enjoying the view through the full length panoramic sunroof!
I snapchatted him to lose a bit of weight- don't want it going to his head!! There's only room for one international superstar celebrity in this household!
Well this is a sorry state of affairs.
After the referendum yesterday , we were up all night waiting for the results. During the day the Scottish Bears were so confident that they were going to win that they abandoned their posts on the third landing to vote and were busy pulling out all the stops to get their older Bears down to the kitchen to vote.
The rest of the Bears had hired a spokesman Horace, to try to persuade them to vote against independence with bribes of extra Honey, exclusive use of the second best television and promised extra powers such as first dibs on the marmalade. Given that three of the Older bears resident on the third landing were Paddingtons this was quite likely to appeal.
While the coast was clear the housekeeper used the opportunity to confiscate the bow and arrows and to rescue the best television and the play station.
So the whole House waited up and the smaller bears fell asleep where they sat , and the older bears played cards while the Housekeeper counted the votes and at 6 am declared much to general relief that the Scottish bears had been defeated by a margin 55 /45, narrow but decisive.
You'd think that would be the end of it, but no . The Scottish bears had a meeting and quickly worked out that the old bears especially the Paddingtons had lost them the vote on promises of extra honey and marmalade.,
"But we control the honey supply ourselves as we have all the bees already!" they protested, but the old bears were already dozing off, worn out by all the excitement.
Meanwhile downstairs in the Library a meeting of the rump of the house was taking place. "I can't see why they should have control of all the honey and extra supplies of marmalade", said Freddie who was very particular about his stomach."It don't seem fair!" he chided Horace "you shouldn't have promised- what are you going to give us to make up for it ?"
"Hmm" said Sir Archibald who was forced to intervene on Horace's behalf. "Promises have been made but no timetable so I think we'd better take some time to think about it."
The sting in the tail was that the very next day the bees flew off leaving the hives empty so now the Scottish bears have to rush to get a place in the queue for the supermarket supplies like everyone else!..... they are still grumbling!
I had a wonderful day out at Hugglets.( Just back on the train with a number of new friends who came along for the ride.) As ever I was mobbed by fans as soon as I arrived, and my arm is worn out from signing autographs and getting hugged. but that is the price of fame, and as an international superstar I have come to expect it.
All the Bears, anybody who was anybody was there, it really is the social event of the season, and long may it continue!! If you haven't been yet - go in February! Be there or be square as they say in Hollywood.
(and don't forget to take your bear!!)
The Bear House is in Uproar.
Last week we acquired- very unwisely in my view- an archery set including an impressive fibre-glass bow and metal arrows. The Bears were in raptures and although the first week in September is usually fraught with the return to school , they were all excited by the promise of September sunshine and after-school archery competitions in the garden.
You would think that after a couple of days the Bears would have moved onto something else, but it quickly became evident that some of them were up to something, they were practicing with an intensity rarely seen and relays of young bears were obliged to practice from teatime to bedtime.
"What's going on?"- I asked Sir Archibald.
"It's the Scottish Independence issue", he replied gravely. "They've seen all the stuff on TV about the Yes No Referendum and in debates at school they've been radicalized with talk of Scotland declaring Independence".
"But where do the bow and arrows fit in?"
"I don't know yet" he said, "but they are definitely up to something."
"It'll blow over" I said cheerfully "its not as if we've got that many Scottish Bears in the house at the moment."
"It only takes one, Monty!" he said omininously.
I walked away with a smirk because I am a quarter Scottish myself , and thought no more about it, but unfortunately, on Tuesday night the bears were full of the news of UK leaders trip to Scotland to appeal to the Scots not to breakup the union. Factions for both sides had developed in the house , and the Scottish supporters were holed up on the third landing which they had declared the Scottish zone.
"I blame Hamish , he's the ring-leader" said Sir Archibald scratching his ears.
"But he's from Edinburgh!"
"All Scotland is mobilised" he said," its William Wallace all over again!"
Mysteriously the Bow and Arrow set has disappeared and there are complaints that the food cupboards have been raided and all the flipcharts and felt pens have been put into action. There are Saltires all across the top banisters, and when I looked there was a sentry on the stairs doing his homework.
"And the rumour is that we'll all need passports to go up there and change the sheets!" moaned the housekeeper. "It'll be ok till the rest of the house realizes they've captured the playstation and the best television, then expect all hell to break loose!" she warned .
Mind you, as a quarter-Scot , Monty's not expecting to be barred from either camp!
Monty Middlechild, Bear adventurer, and supporter of the Arts, An ardent Bear Politico speaking up on behalf of Bears Everywhere !