By popular demand here is another of my little ditties: Row, row, row, your boat, Gently down the stream, Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream Row , row , row your boat, Gently down the stream With plenty of cakes and oodles of honey , Don't forget the cream! Monty Middlechild (with apologies to Anon who started it off)
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Hi Everyone, its really Me just back from a quick trip to Brazil to check out the footy venues. Boy its going to be great! Arrived home to total mayhem. Turns out Cedric, whom I left in charge of the 'Ask Monty' Column while I was away, has totally lost the plot. He has been answering the ask Monty letters but forgetting to post them on the web and some of his advice is very risky to say the least. He told one poor bear to use plenty of suntan lotion before going to the beach and the bear got plastered in sticky sand and spent the rest of the holiday hanging on a clothes line without even a view of the sea! and when another wrote in wanting Dating advice he matched her up with a Polar Bear with a cola addiction- I ask you! Anyway I'm back now, but while the World Cup footy is taking up so much time, the advice column will have to go on the back burner. I am spending all my time calming down the smaller bears who are vastly overexcited about the whole thing. There are charts, team colours over every door and a planned sweepstake that is already causing trouble. One of the bears heard the More or Less Programme on radio 4 on how sweepstakes are held by BBC sports reporters, and now we have to have a sweepstake to decide the order of the teams in the sweepstake and another to decide who gets to pick first? My head hurts!! ( But that could just be the Tequila I got in duty free!) As long as I get the winning team in the draw I'll be happy! Dear Monty , I'm not allowed out in case I get lost and its really cramping my style? Any ideas? Chivers. Hi Chivers, that's very bad news- bears love to see other bears and we all need a change of scenery! Some mothers are paranoid about losing the family bear. In the States there are some very bling harnesses you can get nowadays, why don't you offer to wear one for a few trips out? Yes its demeaning to be trussed up like a dog but you know people they'll soon forget to put it on, and you'll be free ! Just remember the Bear code- stay with your owner at all times and don't go waltzing off on your own! Hi Monty, Help ! my owner Rebecca wants to take me skiing- I can't ski- what should I do? Benny
Hi Benny you sound like a sensible Bear, Bears and snow don't go, cause snow is cold and wet and icy! Best thing you can do is stay home in the chalet and toast your toes in front of a blazing log fire, sipping hot chocolate and honey cake with the chalet maid, while the skiers get frozen on the ski-lifts all day. If that doesn't work stage a sit-in on the toboggan - its the only way to slide. After a couple of Months sailing in the carribean with all the hot models , ( Put on a couple of pounds and got a bit of a tan as you can see) Now I have to work it all off. So I'm back to the grind-stone. I'm doing the 5:2 diet, 5 spoons of honey Monday to Friday and two spoons at weekends, its tough but I have my fans to think about. Can't get too big or I wont fit into my birthday suit! Talking of my fans - the main reason I'm back is to launch my new job as Celebrity Bear Agony Uncle. ASK MONTY ! Go on ask me anything and I'll give you the Bear view! Just Back from another humungous Day Out at Weston May Fair. Brilliant weather, fabulous attendance and located in the same shed as the Icecream stand- What more could one possibly ask for?? It was lovely to see friends old and new and have an excuse to talk Bear for a few hours. Many thanks to those who travelled to see us. All the Bears were thrilled to take part in the fun, and having munched their way steadily through all the ices and free food samples put on several inches on already overstretched waists. Have you tried the Bear diet? :Bears bare all and think thin! As team leader it was my job to round them all up at the end of the day and that was when we noticed that Cornelius was missing. A frantic bear hunt ensued. Luckily someone spotted him down at the pub where he was trying to get a crafty pint. Guess who had to unload everything when we got home! I was just enjoying a quiet snooze this afternoon over my favourite 4x4 sudoku from Saturday's Independent when I became aware of high excitement in the little Bear's dorm, where they were supposed to be resting after lunch. It grew louder and louder until the squeaks and growls could be heard all over the house. "Whatever is the matter?" I asked crossly. According to the littlest bear , our little cousin Sandy (who is not actually that little as he is very partial to crisps and Doritos) had been taken prisoner and was being held behind bars somewhere in Mexico.The Bears had been surfing the web and discovered the footage on You tube showing a film of several bears behind bars, apparently being tortured by being shown a big bag of Doritos that they couldn't reach. I watched it through and it did look like Sandy in prison- it was very convincing. Well of course as an International Celebrity they wanted me to ring the Foreign Office immediately to plead for his release. Fortunately I didn't fall for that one. Luckily I already knew about the US Superbowl Doritos Advertising Competition entries, so I was able to avoid causing an International Incident on April Fools Day. Turns out Little Cousin Sandy was hiding in the bottom of the wardrobe with a big bag of cheese and onion crisps. " Monty, What are you going to do to him?" asked the others when his whereabouts were finally revealed. "Pinch , punch first of the Month ! Now run along and leave the bag of crisps here ! " I chuckled. ( Here's the link to the "Teddybears in prison advert" they saw-from Teddybear Industries -enjoy ! http://youtu.be/JAqxpWfAm2c ) Who's a Busy Bear Then? We went down to The Hugglets BearFest yesterday at Kensington Town Hall, it was brilliant. I caught up with many of my old bear friends who were enjoying the atmosphere posing on their stalls and soaking up the adoration from the Bear lovers who attended . I prefer to circulate but I signed a few autographs and posed for loads of pictures of course! Yes I know many just come to gawp but, for international celebrity bears like me, being up close with the fans is just something we take in our stride!! I have to say that getting to the venue was a challenge, what with the entire closure of the Circle Line tube for the day and numerous signalling problems to cope with, plus of course cold winds on draughty platforms in February. Even so the turnout was excellent and everyone enjoyed the pilgrimage as usual. I feel better now I've had a dose of Bearfest to see me through the Winter Blues! Being an International Superstar.... Fresh from my performance at the Olympic Games Opening Ceremony in London, I was in huge demand, but one summons I couldn't turn down was a trip to Calgary for the annual Teddy Bear Toss . The Calagary Hitmen , who are the hot shot hockey team and their supporters have donated over 192,000 teddy bears to good causes since 1999. This year partly due to my appearance no doubt over 25, 000 bears were tossed onto the Icerink in the Stampede Stadium last Sunday. Of course I was only there in a VIP capacity to support the Event which was lucky as it was very cold and I thought the other bears would have been frozen waiting to be collected off the ice. I have just jetted back travelling first class and the champagne went to my head ( hic) but I have some nice little souvenir hockey sticks for the young bears which have just proved rather useful when negotiating the queues for the baggage reclaim . I could get used to this..... |
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July 2018
AuthorMonty Middlechild, Bear adventurer, and supporter of the Arts, An ardent Bear Politico speaking up on behalf of Bears Everywhere ! Categories
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